Soaked, Flying, Thinking Cows

When I drive to work on wet winter mornings in BC, I sometimes see Very Miserable Sights. They have four legs and go moo, and it is good that they don't appear to be able to engage in self-pity. Else the sensitive ones'd be flagging down passing traffic and asking to be eaten early. "Grass fed all my life, sir, excepting a bit of grain on Sundays, and that was organic - please don't roll up your window - I'd make a mouthwatering meal, sir, just try me. Well-marbled steak runs in the family, sir, right back to the bronze age, word of honour, sir."

Therefore, when I curse the everlasting damp and drip and miasma of moist that sucks the smile right out of a person, I am still thankful that I am not a cow. When the rainwater that collects on the roof of my rover trickles in past loose rivets and unerringly drops down my boot and soaks my left foot, I grit my teeth and grin. At least I'm not a cow. Standing in that soggy muck all day rechewing freshly upchucked ralph would be awful.

But not all cows have to be as wimpy as me. If you want a good definition of stolid, you can find it in two places. One of them is the excellent and enormous Random House Dictionary. The other is in a British Columbian pasture (or 'pond', as they are sometimes called). Some cows in the rain are The Very Essence of Stolidity. They simply stand and chew. It is questionable whether or not they actually know what misery they are in, even though it falls on them from sky every time a sullen cumulonimbus comes rumbling by.

Speaking of bad weather and cows, I am reminded of a chart that a friend showed me. It was called 'The Moojita Scale.' It measured, you guessed it, tornado severity based on the wind's effects on nearby cattle. For example, M1 was something like, "Cows spin parallel to the ground in mild annoyance." In my opinion, the phrase "mild annoyance" is so perfectly appropriate to the hypothetical feelings of the average fictional cow in such a situation that the inventor of this scale should be given some kind of award.

... I imagine that different breeds would express themselves differently in an M1 situation. A Holstein, for example, might say,

"Ground, vhy for du bist spinningen? Nicht ausgezeichnet, ground, nicht ausgezeichnet."

I am sure you will have noticed the accurate syntactical representation of the common Holstein's moo. You may have also observed that the Holstein is rather more composed when airborne than most Herefords, who invariably work themselves into a bother:

"It's the bad silage what done it, I know 'tis. Blooming bad silage. I tole Aggie - *Hurp* Shouldn't wunner if there was chemy-culls innit, aye, like wotsit, pneumonium, um, noitrate-yeah-thassit, an' rocks, too! *Hurp* Wuddever happena good ol' roughage eh? Where's the alfalfy is what I'd like to know!"

But for sheer toughness and a funny accent, give us an Angus any day.

"Well, there goes the loch again... but I've seen wairse.

... hmph. What the ach, I've got nothin' else to do. Frrreeeedommm!"